Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
