I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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