i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
