What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
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