I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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