the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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