Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
