I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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