Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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