i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
