How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i just google imaged poop.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
