I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
