if i can run in heels then i can drive
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
porn star boner night. come get it.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
