Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
