i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
