Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize