Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
