My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
