I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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