1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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