wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
