my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
