I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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