Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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