My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
