i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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