Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
