I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
