Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
