If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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