My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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