Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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