Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
