You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
