he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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