So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
