someone get that fucking seahorse.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
