Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
