Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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