Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
