You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
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