my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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