did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Randomize
