I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's shark week go big or go home
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
