I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
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