I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
