New low: just hacked my moms facebook
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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