I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
