I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
