you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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