You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
