Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
nutella sex= disaster
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
