I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
