I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You dont lie about slip and slides
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
