apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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