Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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