So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
