Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
