seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
